Life feels very different now than a few weeks ago when I last wrote an entry in this blog. I haven't been up to the task of creating a new entry until now, but here we go.
I guess a simple, concise explanation will be the best place to start. As many of you may know, Doug's Mom, Susan, went home to be with Jesus on June 12th. Leading up to that, Doug and I spent the last week of her life living at his parent's home and assisting his Dad and sister Kristen with her care. It has been a difficult and emotional time for our family....and yet in some really cool ways one of the most God-focused, wonderful experiences of our lives as well. It is kind of hard to sort it all out, but I'm working on it. Thank you to all who have sent cards and messages...truly it has been so encouraging.
But I have been at a loss as to how to write about this....What do you write that will do justice to a loss that will completely alter your world? How do you put the grief and hope we are simultaneously walking through right now into finite words and then place it on paper? I often deal with things well by writing...but I find that in this situation my heart is so full and there is so much to say that my fingers fail me and I continue to see a blank page in front me of as I quickly get overwhelmed by the emotions of the past weeks.
Susan was so much more than a "mother-in-law" to me....she was my friend. She was fun and funny and loved me as if I had been born into her family, not married into it. It has been hard to deal with all of this on so many levels...my husband lost his mother, my daughter lost her grandmother, my unborn son will never get to meet her, and I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That is a really, really big hole...and one that when I think about it too much just seems more than I can bear. And yet...truly it isn't more than I can bear. I know Susan loved Jesus and she is with Him now. I know that she was ready to be in heaven, even if she wanted to stay here for us. I know that God is the same today as he was 6 years ago before Susan was ever diagnosed with cancer...He loves us, He loves her, and He is writing an incredible story with our lives...we feel privileged to be used and be a part of what He is doing.
Yet grief is still real...it is still a part of this. It is something we wake up with and go to sleep with and that catches us off guard at random times throughout the day. I have heard other people talk about walking through grief...I know that what I am experiencing on many levels is not new or unique to me...it is a familiar path that many others have walked through before me and many will walk through after. It is a path I will have to walk again in this life when I inevitably face the loss of other loved ones, whether I like it or not. But even if it is not unique to me, the way I walk it will be. It is still my walk to take, and I am trying to embrace it and walk it well...I don't think the walk can be avoided, and I want to be a more Christ-like person when I come out on the other side.
In the first few days that followed Susan's death, we would often find ourselves sitting together as a family just talking....to process, reminisce, and tell stories about this woman we all loved so much. I am so grateful for those conversations...I feel like there is so much that I don't want to forget about all of this, I think the time to breathe and sit and talk was absolutely invaluable. One conversation that has stood out to me from those many we have shared came from Dana. Dana relayed a story about the two of them after Susan's first surgery right after she was diagnosed. He said after they found out, they sat down and had a very purposeful conversation about the reality of this news and what it would mean for them. They decided they had two choices...this could make them bitter or better, but they needed to make a choice. They chose together to trust God to use them however He wanted...that they wanted this journey to make them better.
As someone who got to watch them walk this path up-close and personal these last 5 1/2 years, there is not a doubt in my mind they both succeeded at that. And truthfully, they made many of the rest of us better people just from watching them.
I think if you are a regular reader of this blog, you may hear more of this process from me as I get more of my emotions sorted out from all of it. And I hope you don't mind accompanying me as I walk through this valley...it helps to know I'm not walking trough it alone.
One of my absolute favorite "Susan" phrases that I heard many times during these last 5+ years is the one I think I keep coming back to over and over in these days after the funeral....she said right after she was diagnosed that for her, this was a "win-win" situation....if God chose to heal her, she wins...but if He takes her home to Him, she wins that way too. My husband sent out an e-mail to those that were following Susan's journey on the morning after she died, and he simply put at the end, "Mom won." I believe that statement to be true with my whole heart.
Susan won.
Susan's Obituary: click HERE
If you would like to know a little more details about Susan's journey or read some of the wonderful, heart-warming notes that people wrote to her and about her in the guestbook, you can check out Susan's Caring Bridge page.
Poor baby girl....these last three weeks have been so hard on her. Danika has been such a good sport. With all that has gone on with Susan, the funeral, and then the hospital for me last week...poor Danika hasn't had anything "normal" for 3 weeks. She has been staying up late at night, sleeping in strange places at strange times, staying with all sorts of different people, dealing with two very emotional parents, and basically experiencing a very, very disrupted life. Oh...and she thinks all the relatives live with her permanently now...she thinks that we live in one big house with Papa, Uncle Dave, Aunt Kristen, Julie, 'Layna, Joel, Nana, Papa Jerry, Grandma Berniss and Barbie....and did I mention that we all exist exclusively for her personal joy? :) So the reality of living in our normal home with none of those people is upsetting her as well.
difficult and obviously tired. We had a graduation party and our annual Baptism service and picnic at church...she was just kind of a disaster the whole time. And within seconds of pulling out of the church event, Doug and I looked in the backseat to see that hilarious image.
a great deal of pain...and they sent me to the hospital again. For fear that it might be something that would require surgery, they put me on clear liquids and wouldn't let me eat. Pain escalated until Wednesday pm, and at that point I had a 20 minute bout of pain that was some of the worst pain I have ever had. I had two sets of sonograms of all the organs that could possibly be involved. I had several sets of blood work done, and again met with all sorts of doctors. In the end, they still don't know what it is, but they are fairly confident it doesn't require surgery right now, so they finally let me eat at 2:30pm on THURSDAY and sent me home on at 4:30pm. Really, it is not a good idea to starve a pregnant woman...we get very cranky. :) The pain has been in the mild-medium range ever since.
I had a doctor's appointment this past Wednesday...everything is measuring perfect, my blood pressure is great, my numbers are great, the baby is growing and kicking like a wild thing....so things are looking good.
