Surviving.

I had a hard time surviving this past year. I would like to think that I grew and changed and I'm stronger as a result of it. But really - I just feel fractured and broken. Kind of like an athlete who wasn't given enough time for an injury to heal, I feel like I'm running a race full speed with unhealed wounds and injuries still plaguing me.

But I am surviving.

And as I type that, it bothers me. It bothers me that I view this last year as "survival." I don't want to just survive. I want my life to be so much more. I don't like the constant feeling of hanging on for dear life. I don't like the "if we can just make it through this...THEN it will be okay" mentality that I have been clinging to...and I don't want to miss out on life because I'm trying to "survive" it.

And yet I know as I type this that whether I like it or not, all those things that tragically make up the real me tends to do THIS.

The cycle.
The pendulum swing.
The up-down-roller-coaster outlook on how I need to function in life.

This is the "MORE" stage. That is the stage where I think that I need MORE. I need to get out more...I need to serve more...I need to make more friends...I need to entertain more people in my home...I need to be more for more people. More of a friend. More of a wife. More of a mother. I need to take advantage of all that I am so lucky to have around me...go to the zoo more, take the kids to the beach more, go on dates with my husband more, listen to live bands more, shoot more photos, write more blog entries, send more meaningful cards to my loved ones, read more books, sing more songs, take more trips, plan more parties, socialize more....do MORE. I need to figure out what I want in life. I need to go back to school. I need to find a better job. I need to support my husband more. I need to cut more coupons, save more money, fix more problems. I can do it all...I just need MORE.

I'm swinging as we speak...closer to the peak of the pendulum....higher on the roller-coaster...nearing the the peak that I know is coming.

Because, as with all extremes, this cannot be sustained. The pendulum must swing back...the coaster must go down...and I will head towards "LESS" and crash.

When I enter that stage, I want LESS of everything. I want to interact with people less. I want activity less. I want to be awake less...and be seen less...and eat out less and see friends less and entertain less. I want to cling to my husband and my children and shut out the whole world. I want less activity, less demands, less responsibility, less thinking, less pondering, less intensity....less trying to figure out what is wrong...with me or anyone else. Less.

Because I can't do it all...I can't fix the things I thought I could or should. I fail. I fall short. I can't make other people happy and I'm certainly not happy. I am tired. I am lonely...and yet I just want to be alone. I can't be perfect so why try? I'm a quitter. I'm just trying to survive.

And so the pendulum swings and will eventually swing back the other way. And so it goes.

I don't know how to balance. Something inside of me is uncontrollably driven to find the perfect answers that lead to balance. For someone who hates math, I'm perpetually drawn to the illusion of a formula. If I can just figure out how to fit it all in to a nice neat package and not lose my mind, I'll have it down pat. That's what I tell myself. If I can just figure out the perfect decision making grid in order to know what to say yes to and what to say no to...then I would find balance. If I just figured out the perfect formula for making decisions with my husband, planning our calendar, teaching our children, and living in our community....if I just had a better checklist, everything would be perfect. If I could just figure out the right formula that would allow me to meet other people's needs without depleting myself in the process I'll have it.

I'm always just one perfect formula away from the perfect life.

But there are no formulas. And no perfect lives. And I have no answers. And the more unstable I am, the faster the pendulum swings from one side to the other. And I hurt the people I love as I go swinging by on my fraying rope trying to force them to swing with me to whatever my mind has decided is the "right" decision of the moment.

And just exactly how do I get off this ride and rest? I believe that somewhere in here, the answer is God. I think am convinced that there is no formula...but why am I still looking for one? This isn't new territory - I've been here many times before. Why can't I stop the cycle? The answer has to be a Person who knows what I need and when I need it. But I honestly don't know how to make that "work" in real life. Those are all nice catch phrases. I think I've even thrown them at other people...but every "answer" on how to stop the cycle and run to God always starts sounding like more formulas to me...if I can just read my Bible this much today and pray for this long and meditate on his word for this length of time...if I can just join this group, and talk to this person, and check in this many times on these issues...then I will have the formula for trusting God.

I don't know...it just all seems like the harder I try the less sure I am of anything. And the less sure I am, the more unstable I am and the faster the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other.

Tomorrow I will probably think this is all way too deep and I shouldn't have posted it.

But it is how I feel today. And since I'm thinking MORE is the answer, writing more seemed like a good idea. :) So sad... :)

So good for your self esteem

Yesterday morning I got out of bed and went upstairs to wake her up for the day. I happened to be wearing a floor-length nightgown that was bright pinkish red. She looked at me from her bed and her eyes got wide and this was our exchange:

Danika: MOMMY! Ohhh Mommy! You look like a PRINCESS!
Mommy: Why thank you Danika!
Danika: You do! A BIG OLD Princess!

Sigh. It's a good thing that my self-esteem is connected to more than my 3 yr old's opinion of me.

My Mini-vacation

As some of you may have noticed on Facebook....I (Andrea) am not at home right now. I'm on vacation....ALONE. :)

I've never done this before...taken a trip just for fun without my little family.

But I think I like it. :)

I have an incredible, amazing, super-supportive husband who made this possible. And a fantastic Aunt who was willing to take me in for the week.

You see, I have an adorable son who refuses to sleep. And for a multitude of reasons, situations, and difficulties over the last year, I have become a very sleep deprived and emotionally unstable mommy. :) I haven't had a solid nights sleep in over 9 months. Working full-time, trying to keep a household running, and still trying to maintain our life at the pace we normally would while only getting a few hours of sleep at night is just not working. So, I talked to my husband and opened up that if this mommy is going to survive...I need some sleep....and my wonderful husband said, "Go."

So I went. I am on a 5-day trip to stay with Aunt Barbie with the only agenda item being sleep....9-10 hours a night of uninterrupted sleep. And when I'm awake, I get to lounge in the sunshine and edit family photos and work on our blog and laugh with Barb...things that I love to do and don't always have time for.

And I haven't heard a baby cry since Sunday at 4pm.

I love my kiddos and my family and my life...and I am looking forward to seeing them again on Friday. But this has been good for all of us. I hope to return a stronger, refreshed mommy...one that can handle life a little better than I was handling it when I left.

:)

So...I need to go. It's time for my nap. :)

Opposites Attract

Doug and I are so different! I know that will shock some of you. :) It's actually funny because I think people would be surprised how similar we are in some ways. I am so grateful for my fantastic husband because he just fits me so well.

But, there are still many ways that we are complete opposites. One of those areas is our idea of "fun."

Doug likes "the off-season" and small groups of good friends. He likes cold weather and hikes in the woods and camping in the snow without a tent. He likes hunting and fishing with one or two people who know how to stay quiet enough not to scare the fish or animals. Doug likes his own space without anyone touching him. He likes physically demanding and risk-filled hobbies. Doug likes air conditioning.

I love festivals. I love the peak of summer. I love heat and noise and crowds of people and summer concerts and outdoor events. I love street fairs and amphitheaters and block parties and live bands that play on packed restaurant patios with shoulder-to-shoulder people. I love tank tops and flip flops and sandy beaches and colorful drinks with little umbrellas. I love city streets at night with a million lights that sparkle and twinkle in the dark. I love sunsets on the water with sand between my toes. I like open windows.

I like big events where just the two of us are together in a crowd of anonymous people.
Doug likes private parties with good friends where he knows everyone present very well.

I like new and exciting for the sake of new and exciting.
Doug likes familiar, comfortable and trusted.

I tend to run shallow and turbulent...he tends to run deep and still.

But nobody on this earth makes me laugh as much or as often as he does. And we have learned to embrace most of the differences...

I sent this text to Doug yesterday:

"9 hrs sleep + sunshine + sandals = bliss"



He responded with this text:

"you have your idea of bliss....I have mine!"



I love that man. ;)

The loves of my life....

I love my little family.

I love my crazy feisty 3-yr old red headed girl.
I love my incredibly strong, slobbery, ALWAYS hungry, fat little 6 month old boy.
I love my patient, supportive, gentle, funny, incredible husband.


And when everything else in life gets overwhelming....those three incredible blessings right there tell me that whatever seems overwhelming can't really be that bad.

Look at this smiley happy face - isn't it great?

Snow, snow, and more snow.

I hate snow. Living in Erie, I have had to adjust to the white stuff out of necessity, but we are still not "friends."

We have recently endured a LOT of lake-effect snow..with more to come. This is what it looks like outside my back door right now.





The interesting thing is that all this snow has become "normal" for me. I don't even get worked up about it anymore. It's just part of living in Erie. Sad but true!

Don't you wish you lived here with us????? :)

Domestic Goddess

So...of the things I'm known for, being anything like Martha Stewart is not one of them. It is a given in our family that I'm not real gifted in the home-making arena. Thank God my husband loves me anyway. Give me a large event with speakers, attendees, and activities to organize, I'm your woman. Give me a house and a kitchen to take care of...well...not so much.

But, it is my hearts desire to grow some in this area. I doubt I will ever be "that mom" that has all the perfect gifts bought and cookies baked and the decorations up for Christmas...but I do want to create a wonderful environment for my family to enjoy during the holidays...and all year round actually. And so, I have been picking certain very meaningful things that are important to our family and trying to learn how to do them.

Recently, I have had a few things turn out pretty good...and considering the track record of the woman who is attempting these activities...well...the mere fact that the house is still standing is reason for celebration.

I have the Christmas tree up and decorated....

...I made a batch of Doug's favorite cookies....

....and I learned how to make Gluten Free Coconut Cream Pie from Dolly McLallen! (This is a picture of my first solo attempt. I made that pie Christmas Eve...and I was VERY proud of it!)

I recently announced to Doug that I am a domestic goddess. :) He laughed. But at this moment, I feel like one...because even if this may not seem like a lot to you, for me this is pretty doggone amazing!

Now if I could only keep up with the laundry....

Nana & Gramma Berniss Rock!

All joking aside...I owe a GREAT BIG Thank You to both my Mom (aka: Nana) and Grandma (aka: Gramma Berniss) for all the help they gave as I went back to work from maternity leave. I was a nervous wreck. But- Mom came for the first two weeks and watched John here at my house so I wouldn't have to take him to daycare at 8wks old. Then Grandma came every single morning for 2 more weeks and basically held and rocked John until after lunch so I could get a full morning of work in without interruption. Those four weeks made a HUGE difference in being ready to take my little guy to daycare. The truth is I have the BEST daycare in the WORLD...but it is still hard that it isn't me that gets to hold him every day.



Oh - and the help I get from this guy isn't half bad either. :)

THANK YOU!!!!!!!

An explanation of sorts

When I started writing this blog, I was just going to "try" it. I thought it might be fun. It has turned out even better than that...the truth is, I love writing this blog...and I love that you read it. But you are #3 on my list of reasons that I write it. :)

Reasons I blog:
#4 - My creative outlet. I NEED a creative outlet...but with two kids, I need one that is fast, does not require small parts a child can eat, can be done in small sections as I find time, and ultimately is rewarding on some level deeper than just something to "do". I have found that this blog is perfect. It truly is one of the few things I do that I know I am doing in large part just because it is fun for me, but also accomplishes worthy goals like documenting our family adventures. :) I like to write. I enjoy crafting stories out of our "every-day" experiences. It has been a great outlet for me and a fun way to interpret our lives and decisions.

#3 - My friends. I think it is fun to hear from all of you and to give you a glimpse of life in our world in return. It has been really entertaining to get input and comments from all over the place. Truly, I never know who is going to respond to something I write, and I find it very enjoyable to interact in this way with people from all different stages and places in my life. Thanks for being one of those people who makes this worth doing!

#2 - My parents. They don't live near us. My Mom loves to see the pictures and hear the stories and it has been a fun way to keep them, as well as my other family members, "caught up" on our lives and kids and fun happenings. It has really been awesome to feel connected in this way, and so that is a REALLY big reason I do it.

But the #1 reason I do this blog:

#1 - MY KIDS. Let me confess something to you: I am not a scrapbooker. I am not a photo-album mom. I am not even a "let's save this picture you colored" mom. I wish I was...but I'm not. But I like computers, I like to write, I love to take pictures...and I can type pretty fast. :) So...blogging is our family scrapbook. This is as close as my kids are going to get to a photo album from me. This blog is the "memory album" that I want to give to them of things they accomplished, events that were significant to our family, funny stories that we continue to re-tell...the things that shaped us and happened to us along the way. This is the place that they will find all that stuff and more...from me...thier mom...in my words. I hope someday they enjoy reading it...learning about themselves...getting a glimpse into who their parents are and what we were like at different stages of our life. If they get even a little bit of those things out of it, it's totally worth it.

So, that brings me to this little explanation: I am going to be adding a bunch of "old" stories and entries from the last several months. I missed a lot when I dropped off the blogging radar after John was born. I will be writing these and back-dating them and putting them in the order that they "should" have been in had I not been slacking off. I thought about skipping all these things...but they are stories that I want Danika and John to have...stories and pictures and events that I want to record. And so, I'm going to do it. But that means that there will be random posts appearing on Facebook that are "old"...and that if you read this on the actual blog page, several entries that will be added over the next few weeks will be showing up in past months. So...I just wanted to explain why. When I print this year's blog into a book, those entries will be in the right places and tell the stories for those months that I wanted told. It's not really so much for you...it's for me and for them. :)

Hope you understand!

-Andrea

It doesn't seem possible...

How is it that it was only a little over 7 months ago Danika was opening her birthday gifts and got to this one....





...and now we have this adorable little guy???


In some ways it seems like those months have flown by - but in other ways it seems like a lifetime has passed. I am fairly certain that this year will go down as one of our most difficult......I pray that when we look back, we can honestly say that we navigated it well and that our marriage and family are closer for it.

Thank you, God, for all you have brought into our path. It has not all been pleasant, but I pray it has made us more like you.

God's arms & hands

I'm so grateful for the friends we have.

Over the last month and a half as we have entered this difficult time with Susan and her health, we have had so many friends step up and offer us assistance (or just see needs and meet them), that I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmingly appreciative we have been. From meals, to child care, to landscaping and yard work help....the list could go on and on.

I think what I am most overwhelmed by is the generosity of it all. People are giving out of themselves to help meet a need in our lives....without any thought of what they get out of it or in return. How lucky are we to have friends like that?

I've been reading a new book and one of the things it talks about is the difference between the "knapsacks" that each of us must carry through life (the weight of everyday responsibilities and life), and the "boulders" of burden that come when a crisis in life hits. That's the kind of burden that the Bible says to help one another carry....these "boulders" .....and how wonderful our friends have been at doing that.

There are moments when it all has seemed to be happening so fast. These days just trying to function has seemed like a "boulder" at times. How fortunate we are to have loving friends who have come to help us carry through.

If you are one of our boulder carriers - thank you. There are no words to fully express what you have done and continue to do for us.

I'm tired.

All the time. I feel as if I could drift off and snooze any minute. I'm blaming this on pregnancy. It seems like a good excuse. :)

We have had lots going on here...so for now I'll just type what comes to mind and catch up as we go.

Danika has been healthy for a couple weeks, so that is a major accomplishment. If we can manage to ALL wake up without fevers tomorrow, it will be the one of the few recent Easter Sunday's that we haven't been sick in bed. Last year, Doug and I were both sick with the stomach flu and Danika went to church with Dana and Susan while we stayed in bed. We are hoping tomorrow does not repeat that performance.

Speaking of performance, Doug has been quite the drama guy at church lately. :) Currently he is "Peter" in a series of dramas that coincides with our sermon series on Peter. He has been practicing a ton, and I know that he has worked really hard on all of this. Yesterday at the Good Friday service it was clear that all his hard work has paid off....he was awesome. The whole service was awesome actually. It brought tears to my eyes at many different points. It was just very cool to be there and just really made you focus on the price Christ paid for us.

For those of you who keep up on Susan (Doug's Mom) and her health stuff, she has been getting some test results that have the doctors confused and frustrated right now, so we are waiting for more tests this week to see if they can make any sense of all of it. As always, we appreciate your prayers...she is the best "Mimi" in the world, and we much prefer life when it is moving in a direction that cancer is less of a concern, not more of one. But, as she often reminds us, we trust a God who loves us more than we can imagine and always has a plan for us. So...we rest in that and wait.

April always brings with it's beauty and green the terrible spring allergy season that affects me so much. It was even worse when I was pregnant with Danika, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm going through it again. But I am still so thrilled to be seeing sunshine and grass! Come on summer!

That's all for now.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. God and His amazing gift of salvation...I never get over how incredible it all is. Happy Easter!

Let there be light.

It's amazing how much difference a little sunshine makes. The last few days it has been wonderfully warm for this time of year and we have actually been exposed to REAL SUNSHINE. In Erie, PA in February, this is a miracle. An act of God to keep people like me from jumping out of a 2nd story window. The bleak, gray, cold months in the dead of winter are always the hardest for me. I find it so depressing...but a little sunshine goes a LONG way in making me feel better about just about everything in life.

So.....thank you , God, for the pretty sunshine and the warm air...this little child is very, very grateful.

All I do is drive....

Some days....it feels like all I do is drive. Just for the record...that isn't really fun anymore. :( I cover 15 counties for my job...so this time of year when I have lots of meetings, I get really sick of looking at this:

I was in the car from 6am-6pm last Friday with 2 meetings in the middle to break it up. Tomorrow, I will be in the car for around 9 hours. Those are always long days.

So I'm a little behind....

So I'm a little behind on my blogging. okay...a LOT behind on my blogging. It was the trip to Liberty Center/Cedarville/Toledo that did it to me. I got to see so many wonderful people and had so many wonderful conversations and visits...and then with so much time in the car to contemplate and reflect I just had a lot on my heart and mind that I wanted to share here. My heart was so full after that week-long trip to see family and friends from all different places in my life. I started no less than 4 blog entries that are still unfinished. Since I don't know if/when I will get around to finishing them, I figured I better just move forward from here and start blogging again. But if you were one of those people I visited that week...thank you. It was so good for my heart to see you.

And with that, we are back into the world of blogging.

Weekend adventures...

Danika and I went to Cleveland for Labor Day weekend and spent the night in a hotel with my Mom, sister and her two kids. It was a little bit of chaos, but a lot of fun. :) I thought the hotel might throw us out but it all turned out okay. :)

We took the kids swimming, celebrated my Mom's birthday, and just sat around chatting. Joanie is still recovering from her broken ankle, so sitting around is a requirement for her...not really an option.

While we were together, I took pictures of my sister's baby girl, Josie. Oh how she is growing! I will post pictures when I get a chance!

I miss them already.

He picked a WOMAN!

Okay...I don't really do the politics thing too much....that's Doug's thing, not mine. But I have to tell you, I was so moved today when McCain announced that he picked Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, I actually started to cry.

What a historic election....either way, we will have an unbelievable "FIRST" for our country in November....we will either have a black man as president, or a woman as VP....isn't that COOL???? I am still really moved. What a cool thing.

On the road again....

So....if you think of Doug...pray for him. :) I have to travel again this week and he will be a single daddy with Danika until I come home.

Fun stuff that happened over the weekend....

...Friday we added new people to our small group for church. So fun! We are taking an awesome group and expanding the fun. :) Every Tuesday Doug and I leave our small group and say, "I love our group." The people we are adding will bring even more fun and flavor to it, so I can hardly wait until tomorrow night to meet. When we started coming to McLane and heard them talk about small groups, we often heard the phrase "doing life together" as a way to describe the relationship you have with your group-mates. I think it is perfect...I can't think of a better way to describe it. These are the people that we set aside time to meet with every week to talk about the "guts" of life. It is so good for my heart. We pray for each other, discuss big decisions, and get advice. Sometimes we just need a sounding board, other times we just need to laugh. It is this place that we can talk about life, relationships, and God's word. Tough questions welcome. Broken hearts welcome. Celebrations welcome. All I can say is TOO COOL. I love this.

....Saturday Doug spent a good portion of the day working on a custom set of bookshelves for a side-job he took. That evening, we met several other couples down at Presque Isle for an evening of boating and socializing. Doug got to wakeboard, Danika got to play in the sand and pet doggies, and Andrea got to sit outside with some wonderful women and laugh. It was a great night. OH....and Danika was looking just stunning in her little bikini swimsuit. That unique little physique is hilarious....I have never seen such a huge belly on such a little person!

....Sunday, we went to church, which is always a highlight of the week. For real. I LOVE our church! I look forward to going and try to never miss. It is just too cool to miss out. I love to learn and be challenged and to sing and to worship and to socialize...all wrapped into a tight little 1.5 hour bundle. It's great. Doug and I were part of a recruiting video for the children's section called "PowerZone" and it played this week. It was the first we had seen the finished product. I learned that I am definitely a STAGE actor, not a video actor. I over-act SO badly on video! I am so used to being on stage where everything must be WAY OVER EMPHASIZED in order for the audience to see it. I had to stifle the laughter because I really wanted to laugh out loud at how ridiculous I looked. :)

After church we all took naps. :) What a glorious way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I love naps. They are such a happy thing. Then we ran various errands and finished off the weekend by renting a movie. It was just an overall wonderful easy-going weekend. I love those kinds of weekends.

But....now it is a busy week. You might not hear from me much...I've got a lot on my plate between now and Labor Day. Hope you all have a marvelous week. Leave a note and let me know how you are doing!

Love,
Andrea

There are days...

There are days when I feel like I can do anything. It just seems like everything is manageable. Not like everything is perfect, mind you, but just like everything is going to be alright. All the plates are in the air, all the wheels are turning like they are supposed to. It is a good feeling.

But then...there are other days. Those days, I am fairly convinced that I would be better off if I had never left the house...no make that if I hadn't left the bed. Those days, it would just be better to roll over and say that I will not be joining the human race today, I will pass and join again during the next 24hr rotation. Sorry....I'll just have to try again tomorrow.

How bout you? Do you have "those" days?

I have had a few lately, and I have to tell you....after a while they get kind of hard to take. I can't always figure out what makes the difference between the "do anything" days and "those" days, but when I do, I'll let you know.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a "do-anything" day.