Surviving.

I had a hard time surviving this past year. I would like to think that I grew and changed and I'm stronger as a result of it. But really - I just feel fractured and broken. Kind of like an athlete who wasn't given enough time for an injury to heal, I feel like I'm running a race full speed with unhealed wounds and injuries still plaguing me.

But I am surviving.

And as I type that, it bothers me. It bothers me that I view this last year as "survival." I don't want to just survive. I want my life to be so much more. I don't like the constant feeling of hanging on for dear life. I don't like the "if we can just make it through this...THEN it will be okay" mentality that I have been clinging to...and I don't want to miss out on life because I'm trying to "survive" it.

And yet I know as I type this that whether I like it or not, all those things that tragically make up the real me tends to do THIS.

The cycle.
The pendulum swing.
The up-down-roller-coaster outlook on how I need to function in life.

This is the "MORE" stage. That is the stage where I think that I need MORE. I need to get out more...I need to serve more...I need to make more friends...I need to entertain more people in my home...I need to be more for more people. More of a friend. More of a wife. More of a mother. I need to take advantage of all that I am so lucky to have around me...go to the zoo more, take the kids to the beach more, go on dates with my husband more, listen to live bands more, shoot more photos, write more blog entries, send more meaningful cards to my loved ones, read more books, sing more songs, take more trips, plan more parties, socialize more....do MORE. I need to figure out what I want in life. I need to go back to school. I need to find a better job. I need to support my husband more. I need to cut more coupons, save more money, fix more problems. I can do it all...I just need MORE.

I'm swinging as we speak...closer to the peak of the pendulum....higher on the roller-coaster...nearing the the peak that I know is coming.

Because, as with all extremes, this cannot be sustained. The pendulum must swing back...the coaster must go down...and I will head towards "LESS" and crash.

When I enter that stage, I want LESS of everything. I want to interact with people less. I want activity less. I want to be awake less...and be seen less...and eat out less and see friends less and entertain less. I want to cling to my husband and my children and shut out the whole world. I want less activity, less demands, less responsibility, less thinking, less pondering, less intensity....less trying to figure out what is wrong...with me or anyone else. Less.

Because I can't do it all...I can't fix the things I thought I could or should. I fail. I fall short. I can't make other people happy and I'm certainly not happy. I am tired. I am lonely...and yet I just want to be alone. I can't be perfect so why try? I'm a quitter. I'm just trying to survive.

And so the pendulum swings and will eventually swing back the other way. And so it goes.

I don't know how to balance. Something inside of me is uncontrollably driven to find the perfect answers that lead to balance. For someone who hates math, I'm perpetually drawn to the illusion of a formula. If I can just figure out how to fit it all in to a nice neat package and not lose my mind, I'll have it down pat. That's what I tell myself. If I can just figure out the perfect decision making grid in order to know what to say yes to and what to say no to...then I would find balance. If I just figured out the perfect formula for making decisions with my husband, planning our calendar, teaching our children, and living in our community....if I just had a better checklist, everything would be perfect. If I could just figure out the right formula that would allow me to meet other people's needs without depleting myself in the process I'll have it.

I'm always just one perfect formula away from the perfect life.

But there are no formulas. And no perfect lives. And I have no answers. And the more unstable I am, the faster the pendulum swings from one side to the other. And I hurt the people I love as I go swinging by on my fraying rope trying to force them to swing with me to whatever my mind has decided is the "right" decision of the moment.

And just exactly how do I get off this ride and rest? I believe that somewhere in here, the answer is God. I think am convinced that there is no formula...but why am I still looking for one? This isn't new territory - I've been here many times before. Why can't I stop the cycle? The answer has to be a Person who knows what I need and when I need it. But I honestly don't know how to make that "work" in real life. Those are all nice catch phrases. I think I've even thrown them at other people...but every "answer" on how to stop the cycle and run to God always starts sounding like more formulas to me...if I can just read my Bible this much today and pray for this long and meditate on his word for this length of time...if I can just join this group, and talk to this person, and check in this many times on these issues...then I will have the formula for trusting God.

I don't know...it just all seems like the harder I try the less sure I am of anything. And the less sure I am, the more unstable I am and the faster the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other.

Tomorrow I will probably think this is all way too deep and I shouldn't have posted it.

But it is how I feel today. And since I'm thinking MORE is the answer, writing more seemed like a good idea. :) So sad... :)