My children are slightly odd. :) I can say that...I'm their mom. Besides...in all likelihood, they are weird because of me. Doug is much more normal and well adjusted than I am. But I digress.
Now that I have a second child, I can start to see patterns that were present with Danika, but seeing them repeated with another little being just reminds me how weird they are.
Today's oddity - Why do both of my children insist on sleeping the short direction in their beds/cribs? We put them in these beds that are more than big enough for those little bodies...but both of them insist on sleeping the short direction instead of the long direction...and therefore we get pictures like this. Doug took this photo last night...said he couldn't resist documenting the hilarious image that awaited him when he checked on John. The kids share a bedroom right now, so we hang a blanket over the side of the crib to shelter John from Danika's noise and night-light at least a little bit. Doug came into find those chubby little feet sticking out between the slats of the crib, John sound asleep...the short direction.
Here's one of Danika doing the same thing.
It just would have been way too simple for them to sleep the other direction. :)
I had a hard time surviving this past year. I would like to think that I grew and changed and I'm stronger as a result of it. But really - I just feel fractured and broken. Kind of like an athlete who wasn't given enough time for an injury to heal, I feel like I'm running a race full speed with unhealed wounds and injuries still plaguing me.
But I am surviving.
And as I type that, it bothers me. It bothers me that I view this last year as "survival." I don't want to just survive. I want my life to be so much more. I don't like the constant feeling of hanging on for dear life. I don't like the "if we can just make it through this...THEN it will be okay" mentality that I have been clinging to...and I don't want to miss out on life because I'm trying to "survive" it.
And yet I know as I type this that whether I like it or not, all those things that tragically make up the real me tends to do THIS.
The cycle. The pendulum swing. The up-down-roller-coaster outlook on how I need to function in life.
This is the "MORE" stage. That is the stage where I think that I need MORE. I need to get out more...I need to serve more...I need to make more friends...I need to entertain more people in my home...I need to be more for more people. More of a friend. More of a wife. More of a mother. I need to take advantage of all that I am so lucky to have around me...go to the zoo more, take the kids to the beach more, go on dates with my husband more, listen to live bands more, shoot more photos, write more blog entries, send more meaningful cards to my loved ones, read more books, sing more songs, take more trips, plan more parties, socialize more....do MORE. I need to figure out what I want in life. I need to go back to school. I need to find a better job. I need to support my husband more. I need to cut more coupons, save more money, fix more problems. I can do it all...I just need MORE.
I'm swinging as we speak...closer to the peak of the pendulum....higher on the roller-coaster...nearing the the peak that I know is coming.
Because, as with all extremes, this cannot be sustained. The pendulum must swing back...the coaster must go down...and I will head towards "LESS" and crash.
When I enter that stage, I want LESS of everything. I want to interact with people less. I want activity less. I want to be awake less...and be seen less...and eat out less and see friends less and entertain less. I want to cling to my husband and my children and shut out the whole world. I want less activity, less demands, less responsibility, less thinking, less pondering, less intensity....less trying to figure out what is wrong...with me or anyone else. Less.
Because I can't do it all...I can't fix the things I thought I could or should. I fail. I fall short. I can't make other people happy and I'm certainly not happy. I am tired. I am lonely...and yet I just want to be alone. I can't be perfect so why try? I'm a quitter. I'm just trying to survive.
And so the pendulum swings and will eventually swing back the other way. And so it goes.
I don't know how to balance. Something inside of me is uncontrollably driven to find the perfect answers that lead to balance. For someone who hates math, I'm perpetually drawn to the illusion of a formula. If I can just figure out how to fit it all in to a nice neat package and not lose my mind, I'll have it down pat. That's what I tell myself. If I can just figure out the perfect decision making grid in order to know what to say yes to and what to say no to...then I would find balance. If I just figured out the perfect formula for making decisions with my husband, planning our calendar, teaching our children, and living in our community....if I just had a better checklist, everything would be perfect. If I could just figure out the right formula that would allow me to meet other people's needs without depleting myself in the process I'll have it.
I'm always just one perfect formula away from the perfect life.
But there are no formulas. And no perfect lives. And I have no answers. And the more unstable I am, the faster the pendulum swings from one side to the other. And I hurt the people I love as I go swinging by on my fraying rope trying to force them to swing with me to whatever my mind has decided is the "right" decision of the moment.
And just exactly how do I get off this ride and rest? I believe that somewhere in here, the answer is God. I think am convinced that there is no formula...but why am I still looking for one? This isn't new territory - I've been here many times before. Why can't I stop the cycle? The answer has to be a Person who knows what I need and when I need it. But I honestly don't know how to make that "work" in real life. Those are all nice catch phrases. I think I've even thrown them at other people...but every "answer" on how to stop the cycle and run to God always starts sounding like more formulas to me...if I can just read my Bible this much today and pray for this long and meditate on his word for this length of time...if I can just join this group, and talk to this person, and check in this many times on these issues...then I will have the formula for trusting God.
I don't know...it just all seems like the harder I try the less sure I am of anything. And the less sure I am, the more unstable I am and the faster the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other.
Tomorrow I will probably think this is all way too deep and I shouldn't have posted it.
But it is how I feel today. And since I'm thinking MORE is the answer, writing more seemed like a good idea. :) So sad... :)
2/28/2010 - John gets his first tooth! Bottom center two are coming in together, but one finally pokes through!
3/1/10 - John crawls for the first time! He has been doing what we call the Walrus Crawl for a while - he pushes his upper body up with his arms then leans forward until he flops on the ground, then stretches his arms out in front again and pulls/pushes his body up and forward until he flops again. That has been his MO for weeks...and he is quite good at it. But he finally CRAWLED for REAL (one knee in front of the other, one hand in front of the other)! He is going to be really mobile really fast! He already can truck from one end of the living room to the other without stopping.
3/2/10- Doug picked John up and John looked him right in the face and said, "Da-Da!"
3/2/10- He pulled himself to a standing position over and over again for an hour in the evening. Several times over the last week he has pulled himself to a standing position on furniture, toys, the cat....well, just about anything he can get a grip on. HE IS ONLY 7 MONTHS OLD! Heaven help us...this is going to get crazy!
.,....and we found out yesterday that he can wave! We haven't seen it very much yet, but the daycare workers say he's been doing it for a while. Who knew?
So...that's the update on John! (Also known as: Johnathan, Pork Chop, Fatty, Fatty McTavish, Baby Brudder, Mama's Baby Boy, Butterball, "the little man", John-Jacob-Jingleheimer-Schmidt, PJ Jr (Papa Jerry Junior) and "the chunk.")
Yesterday morning I got out of bed and went upstairs to wake her up for the day. I happened to be wearing a floor-length nightgown that was bright pinkish red. She looked at me from her bed and her eyes got wide and this was our exchange:
Danika: MOMMY! Ohhh Mommy! You look like a PRINCESS! Mommy: Why thank you Danika! Danika: You do! A BIG OLD Princess!
Sigh. It's a good thing that my self-esteem is connected to more than my 3 yr old's opinion of me.
As some of you may have noticed on Facebook....I (Andrea) am not at home right now. I'm on vacation....ALONE. :)
I've never done this before...taken a trip just for fun without my little family.
But I think I like it. :)
I have an incredible, amazing, super-supportive husband who made this possible. And a fantastic Aunt who was willing to take me in for the week.
You see, I have an adorable son who refuses to sleep. And for a multitude of reasons, situations, and difficulties over the last year, I have become a very sleep deprived and emotionally unstable mommy. :) I haven't had a solid nights sleep in over 9 months. Working full-time, trying to keep a household running, and still trying to maintain our life at the pace we normally would while only getting a few hours of sleep at night is just not working. So, I talked to my husband and opened up that if this mommy is going to survive...I need some sleep....and my wonderful husband said, "Go."
So I went. I am on a 5-day trip to stay with Aunt Barbie with the only agenda item being sleep....9-10 hours a night of uninterrupted sleep. And when I'm awake, I get to lounge in the sunshine and edit family photos and work on our blog and laugh with Barb...things that I love to do and don't always have time for.
And I haven't heard a baby cry since Sunday at 4pm.
I love my kiddos and my family and my life...and I am looking forward to seeing them again on Friday. But this has been good for all of us. I hope to return a stronger, refreshed mommy...one that can handle life a little better than I was handling it when I left.
Doug and I are so different! I know that will shock some of you. :) It's actually funny because I think people would be surprised how similar we are in some ways. I am so grateful for my fantastic husband because he just fits me so well.
But, there are still many ways that we are complete opposites. One of those areas is our idea of "fun."
Doug likes "the off-season" and small groups of good friends. He likes cold weather and hikes in the woods and camping in the snow without a tent. He likes hunting and fishing with one or two people who know how to stay quiet enough not to scare the fish or animals. Doug likes his own space without anyone touching him. He likes physically demanding and risk-filled hobbies. Doug likes air conditioning.
I love festivals. I love the peak of summer. I love heat and noise and crowds of people and summer concerts and outdoor events. I love street fairs and amphitheaters and block parties and live bands that play on packed restaurant patios with shoulder-to-shoulder people. I love tank tops and flip flops and sandy beaches and colorful drinks with little umbrellas. I love city streets at night with a million lights that sparkle and twinkle in the dark. I love sunsets on the water with sand between my toes. I like open windows.
I like big events where just the two of us are together in a crowd of anonymous people. Doug likes private parties with good friends where he knows everyone present very well.
I like new and exciting for the sake of new and exciting. Doug likes familiar, comfortable and trusted.
I tend to run shallow and turbulent...he tends to run deep and still.
But nobody on this earth makes me laugh as much or as often as he does. And we have learned to embrace most of the differences...
